The Inner Critic
On the journey of self-discovery, let us stop looking for what is wrong with us. Let us discover, instead, who we are and how we work! Let us put our judgment aside as we explore the amazing system of selves within us and learn to live with ever-increasing honesty, choice, and freedom.
Stone, Hal. Embracing Your Inner Critic (1993)
Introductory tale
The best way to introduce a concept like the Inner Critic is a story. This one is taken from a fairy tale about a Goblin and also used as an introductory tale.
There was once a dreadfully wicked hobgoblin. One day he had a simply marvelous idea. He was going to make a looking glass that would reflect everything that was good and beautiful in such a way that it would look dreadful or at least not very important. When you looked in it, you would not be able to see any of the good or the beautiful in yourself or in the world. Instead, this looking glass would reflect everything that was bad or ugly and make it look very important. The most beautiful landscapes would look like heaps of garbage, and the best people would look repulsive or would seem stupid. People’s faces would be so changed that they could not be recognized, and if there was anything that a person was ashamed of or wanted to hide, you could be sure that this would be just the thing that the looking glass emphasized. The hobgoblin set about making this looking glass, and when he was finished, he was delighted with what he had done. Anyone who looked into it could only see the bad and the ugly, and all that was good and beautiful in the world was distorted beyond recognition. One day the hobgoblin’s assistants decided to carry the looking glass up to the heavens so that even the angels would look into it and see themselves as ugly and stupid. They hoped that perhaps even God himself would look into it! But, as they reached the heavens, a great invisible force stopped them and they dropped the dreadful looking glass. And as it fell, it broke into millions of pieces.”
Adapted from “The Snow Queen,” by Hans Christian Andersen
What is the inner critic?
The Inner Critic is like the bit of mirror that makes us see a distorted picture. It is that inner voice that criticizes us and speaks about us in a disparaging way. It makes everything look ugly. Most of us are not even aware that it is a voice or a self speaking inside of us because its constant judgments have been with us since early childhood and its running critical commentary feels like a natural part of ourselves. It develops early in our lives, absorbing the judgments of the people around us and the expectations of the society in which we live. When we talk about this critical voice, please keep in mind that this Inner Critic is the voice within us that criticizes us, whereas the Judge is the self within us that criticizes other people (Hal Stone, 1993).
Exercise one; meet the inner critic
- What is the Inner Critic saying?
Which criticism do you give yourself? What are you not doing right?
- What is the rule?
I.e. how should it be? How should you do it or how should it be? This is your primary rule or self. - What is the underlying vulnerability?
I.e. what does this rule or aspect protect you against? Or what can happen if you break this rule? And what can then happen? And then? What is the worst case scenario? Can you feel this? Where in your body can you feel this? Can you make deeper contact with it? - In which other ways can you protect your vulnerability?
– This is often caring towards the inside; so consciously allowing vulnerability. (‘What is allowed disappears or is softened. What is not allowed stays.’) – To the outside world this is often setting boundaries. - What is the polarity you can work with?
Many guidance methods stop at 4. Also experiencing the sharing of energies of the primary and disowned aspects results in a long-term type of transformation.
Exercise two: meet the inner judge
The Judge and the Inner Critic are two sides of the same medal. The Judge, however, is critical of the outside world. The exercise in principle is the same as exercise one, but the first two questions need to be formulated in a slightly different way. Namely:
- What is the Judge saying?
I.e. who irritates you? This can be a family member, colleague, friend or acquaintance or a well-known person such as a politician, a singer, etc. Which specific behaviour mainly irritates you about this person? Try to describe this in one or two words. This is your cast off aspect; you do not allow yourself this behaviour. - How should the person who irritates you act?
Try to again describe this in one or two words. This is your primary aspect; you also expect this behaviour from yourself. - What is the underlying vulnerability?
I.e. what does this rule or aspect protect you against? Or what can happen if you break this rule? And what can then happen? And then? What is the worst case scenario? Can you feel this? Where in your body can you feel this? Can you make deeper contact with it? - In which other ways can you protect your vulnerability?
This is often caring towards the inside; so consciously allowing vulnerability. (‘What is allowed disappears or is softened. What is not allowed stays.’) – To the outside world this is often setting boundaries. - What is the polarity you can work with?
Many guidance methods stop at 4. Also experiencing the sharing of energies of the primary and disowned aspects results in a long-term type of transformation.